Michael Buffington

Top Ten Things I Will Do for an iPhone

Tuesday, January 09 2007

One look at the new iPhone (that will run only on Cingular) and I’m suddenly sickened by my recent move from Cingular to T-Mobile. I made the move so I could use a Sidekick, which in my opinion was the best mobile device out there, prior to the new iPhone.

So sickened, that I’m scheming all sorts of ways to get out of my T-Mobile contract. Surely, with such a far superior product soon to come on the market, I should be allowed out of my T-Mobile contract based on T-Mobile’s now utterly supreme lack of relevance in the mobile phone market.

I have myself thinking of all sorts of stunts that will ultimately result in me having an iPhone, on Cingular, without having to carve one of my legs off.

And because I want this to be dugg, here are the Top Ten Things I will do for an iPhone. I expect, by some miracle of the internet, that I will succeed if I do all of these things, or maybe even just some.

1. I will practice complete phone absitence until June.
2. I will wage, in court, the complete inadequacy of all phones and phone service available on the market, aside from the iPhone. It’s as if we’ve all been riding unicycles, and someone just came out with personal jet packs that are fueled by good thoughts alone. Surely, there’s some sort of precedent set that nullifies horribly inferior service contracts.
3. I will wear cerulean blue until June, namely because it would embarress those around me, and maybe they’d all pitch in for the phone. And maybe because I only have two cerulean blue t-shirts, which I’d have to wear multiple times in a row without doing laundary to remain environmentally and economically responsible.
4. I will call T-Mobile every day and ask them when they’re going to get a phone better than the iPhone. I will record every call, and each time I call, I will use a funny voice. Sometimes I will sing, sometimes I will pretend as if I’m Dick Cheney.
5. I’ll not cut my hair. This one is easy, since I’m already in a hair growing contest. But those of you who saw me with a handle bar mustache, you’ll forgo Starbucks at least once a week to contribute to my iPhone fund in order to avoid the ugliness.
6. When speaking publically, I will make a point of taking out my current exclusivelly T-Mobile phone, and point at it, shaking my head in shame, then throw it across the room. I will not use it to make phone calls, adhering to Thing one.
7. I’ll break Thing 5, and just shave the hair off my left arm until June. This would not be effective, but I’ve always been curious what that’d be like, so might as well toss it in.
8. I’ll put signs in my car that say “Call me, and let me tell you about how inferior my phone is to what appears to be the perfect phone.” I will be breaking Thing one, but for a good cause. This is the only time I will break Thing one.
9. I’ll give up Pepsi. Forever. After writing that, it almost makes me reconsider this entire campaign, but I think I could do it. Conversely, if Pepsi wants to sponsor me, and make me their marketing shill for drinking Pepsi forever, that’d work just fine.
10. I’ll admit that there is indeed an extreme Saddahmist movement, more so than there ever was, and tell me children stories intended to motivate them to be wary of the extreme Saddahmists, which aren’t to be confused with the benevelont Saddahmists.