My optometrist, after performing several tests involving mirrors and lights, pupil dilation, and eye numbing drops declared that I don’t complete my blink. When I think I’m blinking, my eyelid makes it maybe 80% of the way there, but doesn’t commit to the last 20%.

It’s discouraging because I always thought I knew my body pretty well. Granted, I can’t see my innards, so they’re still a big mystery, but my eyes, I thought I knew them well. Discovering at the age of 30 that your eyelids just aren’t doing their jobs and probably never have been is unsettling and confidence shaking.

According to clinical studies you can’t really train yourself to blink fully either, and so I’m essentially doomed to never really blink fully ever again.

But I have a plan. I’m going to build a device that mists my eyes with refreshing eye drops every time I do an incomplete blink (which is every time). It can be one of those hats that hold beer cans, except I’ll have bottles of eye drops instead of beer, and the mister can be triggered by my blinks.

A simpler, interim solution might be to just load up a squirt gun with eye drops and squirt myself in the eyes from time to time, maybe every time I get an email or something.

That’s all.