I have an in-window air conditioner in my office window because it doesn’t make sense to cool the entire house, which stays pretty cool during the summer, just to cool my tiny office. But it also doesn’t make sense to let computer equipment cook my brains either, hence the dedicated unit.

So I’m looking at the unit now, sitting in my window, and because of a weird installation mix up from last summer, the frame it sits in has been reversed. When I installed again this summer, I turned the frame around (as the user manual suggested, something I never read until this summer), and on the frame there was a strange, and very large, cocoon of some insect.

It’s been facing me all summer, obviously dead, but just now out of the corner of my eye I saw movement, and I immediately began to dread and look forward to what I might see. I saw nothing, and now I wish that instead of just looking over I saw something insane.

So let’s pretend something insane did happen. Forget what you just read.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement, and when I looked directly at the cocoon I saw that it was moving. As I got closer, it looked like something was trying to bust out, the contents inside rolling around. Grossed out and apprehensive about what might emerge I began formulating a contingency plan for when this creature decided to enter my insect free office. I’d open the other window and shoo it out or something. Maybe catch it in a cup and post pictures of it on Flickr.

Before I could even grab something to use for shooing, the creature exploded out of its cocoon, moving so rapidly that my eyes could hardly make out that he was headed straight at my face, and was expanding, all claws and teeth. It must have been shaped like some kind of octopus because in a split second, I was flat on my back with its insectious claws digging into the back of my head, its body covering my entire face, mandibles chewing off my nose, and spitting out my teeth, merging it’s nervous system with mine in the process.

The event would be what would eventually form my new super villain persona – Insectious Octopod Man, the super villain that speaks Insect and rules the world by way of ants and roaches. Aphids will trim my finger nails now. My hair will be managed by centipedes, and movement will be conducted by swarms of locusts. You’ll know when I’m coming due to the dark cloud and all of the crop ravaging.

I’m setting up an insurance company. Pay your premiums, and I’ll make sure you’re taken care of. I make no guarantees about those without policies.