The time has come to check in with my resolutions for 2003.

1. Cut my hair before it begins to put strain on my neck.
I was so good with this in England. On a weekend, I’d walk over to some hair place and get my hair done by this Turkish dude named CJ. Everytime, someone would come in off the street and have a conversation with him. My hair was so nice in England. I did very poorly in Oregon, both before England and after. Result: minor improvement over the 2002.

2. Give the milk a sniff before consumption.
So I totally like, rocked on this one. I don’t think I had a single rancid milk encounter. I’m not even going to look back at the entries for 2003 to verify, I remember none of them now. Result: major improvment over 2002. I’m the boss.

3. Finish what I start.

I was crazy to make that resolution. Result: no change over 2002.

4. Resume my editorial illustration career.

A few weeks ago I painted a picture of the guy who scared me while playing table tennis at work. He’s from India, and before we began playing, he took his shoes and socks off, and rolled up his sleeves, then crouched into a praying mantis position. He worked me. Result: resolution accomplished, just in the nick of time.

5. Make serious progress on the big fancy secret project.

Good thing I have tons of super secret projects. Result: progress made on all super secret projects. I win!

6. Fall down less.
I think I can count on the fingers that are still left the times I fell. Result: major improvement over 2002, although the time I pushed yellow fat back in through a gash in my hip almost swings it the wrong way.

7. Become 100% debt free.
Was nearly there for a while, the only debt was a car payment. Buying a house this year put us in the whole a bit too, but I’m happy to have gotten so close. The currents debts aren’t so disagreeable. Result: didn’t make it, but don’t care anymore.

8. Teach Leah morse code instead of English as her first language.
Didn’t work, but we have started to suggest the Colonel Sanders is her Grandpa. Result: failed, due to lack of knowledge of morse code.

9. Actually truly care more about friends and family.
Pretty sure I did well with this. I made a point of being a bit more charitable and sacrificing my own wants and needs for others. Results: mild victory – could have done better.

10. Eat less Wheat Thins.
I set up a three step program to accomplish this. I was on Original Wheat Thins at first, then I tapered off my intake by eating Sodium Free Wheat Things, and then the real kicker was buying a box of Honey Flavored Wheat Thins. Like a rat that won’t eat poison twice, I’ve kicked my Wheat Thins eating binges. Result: I’m the king of not eating too many Wheat Thins. My seminar tour starts this spring.

11. Build a halfpipe.
Sadly, this resolution did not resolve. Believe me, I was dilligent. Every property we looked at when looking for our home was sized up for possible halfpipe readiness. But even had we purchased a halfpipe happy home, I probably still would have failed. Just too busy this year. Result: failed.
12. Come up with a perfect system for managing wires.
I was totally insane to even think it possible. Result: idiot for thinking it possible.

13. Register my truck in Oregon.
What? It’s January 4th, 2004? My registration expired you say? Result: idiot for thinking it possible.

14. Realize my dream of training turkeys to play ping pong in the local county competitive table tennis circuit.
No comment.
15. Ride a Segway.
I thought for sure I’d have a chance this year, but no. But, I did see one in person. Not just one, but like six. Six girls on Segways zipped along by us while we were eating in an outdoor cafe in Paris on the grounds of the Louvre. I was speechless, and before I could chase them down, they were gone. It wasn’t until we got back that the link to the tour company that rents the Segways out started making the rounds on the net. Result: I could taste victory, but alas, I failed.
16. Let stinkfactor.com die.
No way, totally failed. It was a joke anyhow. stinkfactor.com lives. Result: failure.
17. Let stinkmachine.com flourish.
Failed. Still working on this one. Result: made a lot of progress, but nonetheless, failed.
18. Armwrestle an astronaut, preferably Buzz Aldrin.
Didn’t happen. I was hoping someone, like maybe an astronaut, would end up at my site and make the arrangments. I might carry this one over into 2004
19. Catch a cat hump (you gotta be pretty fast).
Didn’t even get close to this one. It’s impossible. Not even real scientists can catch a cat hump, and if you’ve ever seen video footage, it’s fake. Result: failed.
20. Go a month without spending a dime, driving my car, or watching television.
Came pretty close to doing one or the other, but never hit the trifecta. Result: came close, but failed.
…
I’m pleased with the overall result, but I damn myself when I make up insane resolutions. My next set will be slam dunk easy after last year. But seriously, 2003 was a rollercoaster. It put hair on my chest, it was that rough. 2004 better be a walk in the park, because 2003 was like four years in one.