First of all, I can assume that you’re sitting down. It’s the nature of the medium, but if you’re not, you either have very good posture or are all hunched over, in which case, you should be sitting down. The news I share is heavy, and not for light reading. (Which isn’t true, but play along.)

I changed my mouse catching tact last night. I scrubbed the traps, putting some serious elbow into wiping out every scent of anything possible from the traps. I wanted them to smell new, as if I had just purchased them. And then, remembering that once I had found a Reese’s Mini Peanut Butter Cup from Halloween half eaten by a mouse, right through the wrapper, I sliced a cup in half, being ever so careful not to touch it. I used the knife to drop a half in each trap.

I placed the traps right in the middle of the counter top, knowing the bastard had been cruising about there lately. He’s found a passage from the innards of the stove where he lives to the top of the counter through a vent on top of the stove. He treats that counter top as if it were his front yard, and thus, the traps found a new home there.

‘Twas the night before the night before the eve of Christmas, not a creature was stirring. Except for the mouse. At about 11:17PM, I heard the door swing shut on one of the traps. “Mr. Bastardio is mine!” I whispered under my breath, not wanting to wake Carrie. I decided I’d let him fester overnight. But then, I heard the door of the second trap fall. “Two mice? What?!”. I accepted that possibility, and told myself to be glad, having caught twice as many mouse as I intended.

This morning: I carefully peeked into one of the traps, remembering very well that if I opened it right up, the dude would just bolt out and shame my family. The first trap contained no mouse, just half a peanut butter cup. The second trap contained no mouse. But more shocking – the second trap contained no peanut butter cup. The bastard has officially outsmarted my traps, and he’s forced me to get mean.

The glue traps are coming, and the first one is going right outside his front door. And when I catch him, I’m going to lecture him about his manners, then feed him to the neighbors dog.