One time, in the bathroom, as Carrie was brushing her teeth and I was undoubtedly trying to annoy her, we both spotted a huge ant. Huge in relative terms. We’re used to little specks of ants, no bigger than a few millimeters in length. This ant was huge; at least a quarter inch long.

This morning, I spotted a gang of them in the kitchen, moving slowly due in part to their enormous-for-ants size. I can’t simply kill these ants with my thumb, they’re too big, and likely juicy. So today, I’m going to The Home Depot to get a hammer.

I’m looking forward to the day when I can control these ants, using microchips and a Nintendo controller. I’ll use them to carry laundry to the washer. Comb my hair. Weed the garden. Ants could be a very powerful force if controlled by man.

If you could control an army of ants, how would you use them?

And army ants don’t count, they just kill and mame, and can’t be controlled by man.